P.S. I also LOVE house. That Greg House is my current fantasy crush… I love his attitude and he has the greatest lines! I try to not talk about some of my t.v. show loves too much, because I haven’t found too many people to talk to. What other t.v. shows do you like?

I had one of my worst migraines about a year ago and i was laying down. My partner had decided to cook dinner ( at the other end of the house), and came in about half way through to check if he was making too much noise chopping up the vegetables. It was the sweetest thing, one that i still appreciate.

And like you, I have terrible back pain. David complains that I wiggle around in bed a lot and it is just habit but it is because my back aches so bad from hips to neck that I am always moving to get comfortable. There is no comfort. Ice packs and heat and Robax Platinum are my friends. And I put a lot of peppermint oil on my neck (it is hot and distracts me!) at night.

One of my colleagues said “I notice that you move around a lot in your chair in meetings and that sometimes you sit sideways or not straight – do you think your back pain is because of your bad posture?) I told him that my back pain CAUSES my bad posture as I am always trying to move to get the pressure off a certain part of my back. He looked at me like he thought I was nuts. AS far as he is concerned, my back pain is my fault. Idiot. I am so sick of helpful people. If another person asks me if I’ve tried acupuncture, I would like to scream. I know they are trying to be helpful but really, you reach a point…

I would like to meet you some day because it is clear we are experiencing the same thing in life, inside. I think your head pain is worse, but with chronic anything, even average pain is exhausting. I am so exhausted, so spiritually depleted a lot of the time. Working full time is exhausting and NO ONE understands. The people around me have compassion burnout I think, and most of the time I don’t talk about it. It is so hard being with people while you have a bad headache and they are fine. You simply cannot compete in that world. I cannot. I want to, but I cannot. I cannot work full time and exercise and blog and read and keep a clean house and garden and do investing and manage everything. I am so drained. I feel very depressed a lot, but like you, I keep a smile on my face.

So many people say “you are such a happy person” or “you are so extroverted”. What they don’t know is that i feel like jumping off a bridge or screaming most days, at least once. ANd that I am FAKING all the time. I am acting what I think NORMAL is. Because I do not feel it.

I am noticing that over time, I am becoming more JEALOUS of normal people. For a long while I accepted my pain. But lately, I am furious. I feel increasingly angry. I think because my h/a’s have been especially bad and you just get so raw and burned out from it. So I have decided to try to find a pain counsellor, a psychologist who I can talk to about chronic pain. SOmeone who might have some coping strategies, etc. and just someone to LISTEN. I have run out of listeners.

I will let you know how it goes, once I find one.

Love and a hug to you. Hang in there. Oh, we could talk! I felt your pain and frustration and your hopefulness in every line you wrote. You are still YOU in there, but modified.

xo Terri

You have a great blog on the internet, you make jewelry and you crochet! Sounds like a creative person to me. Remember the answer to the what do you do question does not have to be a job or school. You are a writer and an artist and a crafter…even if no pay is involved.